I am not so into people, I am not rich, I am not smart, I don’t have any special and specific ability, I am not an heir of any royal high almighty people, I get nervousness easily, I am kinda deaf and weak on catching any conversation, I feel I am ugly (and truly I am), I am less experience, I am not confident, I am nothing, I seldom take the start of talking to somebody (because I think that they don’t really like. But sure, if they talk to me I will respond), I never talk about myself and what I really feel (because I am too afraid that it would be just a short sentences I said, then the listener will add a very long sentences and yeah finally, she will be the speaker and I am the listener), I am afraid of saying hello to male friends (because I got many bad experiences so that it is set in my mind, “Males will only be happy to be called by the beauty, and you’re NOT. So they don’t need you, I am not lying”. Yes, even the males who you think are not good looking; they only need females who they think are good looking and once more, realize: you are NOT).
I was thinking that my father is liberal. Not on religion actually, but on any other things besides the ‘r’ thing. That he will let me do anything I want by his guidance behind. But, I has just covered up I AM WRONG. He is not! And truly, he is overprotective and pushing me to be well on academic thing only. That he will never allow me even to have any experience of riding motorcycle, watching soccer lively, joining an activity related to nature’s travel and used to forbid me to have karate exercise. Well, I said “used to” but for karate, I don’t think I will go to have it now as a very beginner since I have reached 17 will go on 18 soon. My muscles have been not as elastic as it was before and damn, I am not so confident to be around 120 or around cm’s height children while I am 160 cm’s.
He wishes me to be boss, high GPA, I am not sure how to describe but he just wishes me to be good girl, smart girl, normal life, finally a very good occupation and ideal husband. Well, I want it too, definitely. But, life is not that simple, since you give me a little chance to explore the world (yes he gave me), but then you don’t let me choose what I think as mine.
I remembered a time when I want to get along in a mini off road when I was about 8 years old, the one I always asked to accompany me was just my father. This off road was not a bom bom car (a car play in any children play arena). This was a real off road car but mini, using fuel as the energy and yeah it’s just real. Well, this was the first time I got a rejection from my dad to try something. I was 8 years old and I fortunately had been able to understand, that my dad’s right hand whose did not allow him to accompany me. My dad had no car and he only could use one of his hands, how could he drives? Okay, I understand.
But then, I wanted to buy such a political book, he was ignored me (again). I did not think he was aiming badly, but the truth, his rejection of any wishes set my thought to not ask for everything then. Yes, and it worked out. I had no more things to share, because it will be rejection only.
Now, I grow in a very silent life. Well, it doesn’t mean that I am silent. I talk a lot, though can be silent sometimes. But, what I talked about is not at all about what inside me. The fragile of me, the cry and all the needs I really hope to get the feedback. I grow in the boundaries of scare without trying before.
Yet, I am not sure if anyone understood of what I have write down here. Like I have told before, I never really know what I talked about, not because I am mad, I just can’t describe my strange feeling. So that I need to fix it all soon, I do have to be a human, normal and great. Please I beg for it all, not for me but for my parents who have been so hard on working for my life. But first I need to make sure, I have lost those all thoughts. And ‘til now, I don’t think I have found any answer or even solution. It is might be too much or over, but I am telling the truth.